46% of Americans believe that Earth is a conspiracy.

THE DAILY GUANO

46% OF AMERICANS BELIEVE THAT THE EARTH IS A CONSPIRACY

Does the Earth really exist? A new poll suggests almost half of Americans are thick as pigshit.

Does the Earth really exist? A new poll suggests almost half of Americans are thick as pigshit.

A recent poll by Anderssonanderssonsanderssonandersson & son has discovered that around 46% of US citizens believe that the Earth is a lie, and its existence is part of a global conspiracy designed to make people pay taxes to a communist gay Jewish secret society.

One participant on the poll said, “I just don’t believe that the Earth exists. Nobody has ever given me any evidence for it. Every photo taken on Earth is obviously fake and Photoshopped. It’s a NASA conspiracy to make everyone gay.”

Another person argued, “If the Earth existed, then why can’t I see it through my telescope?”

Yet another stated, “If you take the number of letters in the word “Earth”, multiply it by the number of degrees in a circle, divide it by the number of letters in the word “gay”, add the number of letters in “NASA” multiplied by the number of letters in the word “tax” multiplied by the number of letters in the word “world”, and then add the number of letters in the word “Jewish”, you get 666. Is that a coincidence? I don’t think so!”

Republican presidential hopeful, Ted Cruz, responded to the recent poll saying, “I think it’s important that we teach both sides of the argument in our schools. I just don’t think the evidence is in yet, and it’s important that we foster debate on the subject.”

In response to Ted Cruz’s statement, a senior source at NASA instantly swallowed a lethal dose of sleeping pills declaring that they didn’t want to live on this planet anymore, and couldn’t understand why anyone would think Senator Cruz could be trusted to tie his shoe laces without strangling himself to death, let alone preside over the Select Committee overseeing the world’s premiere space agency.

Speaking about why so many people have a problem with reality, leading cognitive scientist, Stephan Lewandowsky, said, “What can I say? Some people are just complete morons.”

When asked to comment on the recent poll, a spokesperson for the White House had a heart attack and collapsed, screaming “I just can’t work with these idiots anymore!”

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