Cruz, T the clown to run for President of the USA

THE DAILY GUANO

CRUZ, T THE CLOWN TO RUN FOR PRESIDENT OF THE USA

Cruz, T the clown's presidential bid has impressed people in comas all over the country. When asked about what they thought, John Burrage - a man who has been in a vegetative state for the past decade after a vicious gerbil attack - dribbled slightly down his left cheek.

Cruz, T the Clown’s presidential bid has impressed people in comas all over the country.
When asked about what they thought, John Burrage – a man who has been in a vegetative state for the past decade after a vicious gerbil attack – dribbled slightly down his left cheek.

The political landscape of the USA has been set ablaze by the recent reports that Senator Cruz, T the Clown has announced their intention to run for the Republican presidential nomination for the 2016 election.

Coming on stage to a packed auditorium, Cruz, T spoke to the gathered audience, whose mental age averaged around 5, saying, “Hey, Hey, Kids! It’s your old pal Cruz, T!”

He then went on to make an incoherent speech that mostly consisted of him falling about the stage, saying, “Hoohoohaha!” and coughing a lot.

The crowd were as predictably impressed as a 3 year old watching Teletubbies. One audience member after the speech said “I like how the green crayons taste best.”

Another attendee, when asked  about Cruz, T’s inability to form a single coherent sentence in his speech, responded, “I have to go peepee now…. too late.”

Senator Cruz, T recently took the position of head of the Select Committee on Ignoring Science. In his first week, he changed its name from the Select Committee on how AWESOME the US is at science – a move that allowed him to gain a lot of support amongst the Republican party.

One congressman said, “It’s about time we told science where to go – after all, what has it ever done for us?”

Speaking recently on the role of the Us space agency, Cruz, T said “We shouldn’t be spending money on satellites that tell us about useless things like what the weather is doing and getting a better understanding of our planet, and instead should be spending it on trying to put a man on the Sun!”

We tried to get a comment from anyone in the White House about Cruz, T the Clown’s presidential prospects, but for some reason nobody could stop laughing long enough to talk to us.

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