HUMAN BODY NOT DESIGNED FOR BREATHING, SAYS MEXICAN CHURCH

THE DAILY GUANO

HUMAN BODY NOT DESIGNED FOR BREATHING, SAYS MEXICAN CHURCH

Cardinal Norberto Rivera demonstrating how to use a femidom during a sex education class.

Cardinal Norberto Rivera demonstrating how to use a femidom during a sex education class.

Since proclaiming that the human body is not designed for homosexuality, earlier in the week, the Catholic webshite Desde la fe (Latin for “we’re a bunch of scientifically illiterate, out of date, bigoted fuckwits who frankly are past our use by date and should have done the decent thing and stopped stealing oxygen by now”. Wonderful language, Latin – it’s amazing how much can be expressed in such a few words) has declared that the human body is also not designed for breathing.

In an editorial titled, “Fuck me, the cardinal’s really losing his marbles now lads”, the church stated that oxygen has been linked to the aging process and bodily decay, and that this is proof that breathing is damaging to both the individual and society as a whole, urging its adherents to both protest any law that allows people to breathe, as well as abstaining from breathing themselves.

Shortly after this statement, one of Mexico’s leading bishops went live on air to announce that the Catholic church was taking a strong stand against sunlight, declaring the human body is not designed for living on a planet that orbited a massive star radiating trillions of trillions of joules of energy every day, citing the damage caused by sunburn and the extreme risk of cancer.

In what many unenlightened Catholics are calling a “landmark statement”, the bishop stated that all Catholics should go live underground, and urged the Vatican to begin building a “star destroyer” to eradicate the threat to human society once and for all, and told followers to petition their elected representatives to take firm actions against the offending star.

Things have finally escalated this evening, as Cardinal Norberto Rivera declared that the human body was not designed for existing in this universe, since it seems that everything is pretty much out to kill us or do us harm of some form.

He has urged all Catholics to refrain from existing in this universe, and suggested that they should start petitioning the government to stop passing legislation that is designed to make it in any way easier for people to exist in this universe.

We attempted to get hold of a spokesperson from the church to comment on the issue, but everyone was too busy running away and screaming at everything they saw.

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One response to “HUMAN BODY NOT DESIGNED FOR BREATHING, SAYS MEXICAN CHURCH”

  1. Emil says :

    I loved your comments on the flat earth theory. I’m a pilot and had to secretly sign a document to say that the earth is round, but it’s actually flat. Haha. That’s shut by the way. Let get these retard flat asses.

    Like

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