THE DAILY GUANO
The political right wing of the UK wins dramatic vote against the political right wing of the UK
Today, the electorate of the United Kingdom took part in a dramatic vote, favouring the right wing over the right wing.
In an historic referendum, the entire populous of a small shitty island off the coast of Europe decided to reject the arguments of the controlling right wing party, in favour of the arguments of the controlling right wing party.
In a decision that has dumbfounded everyone from pollsters to bookmakers to stock market investors to everyone on the globe, the population of the United Kingdom has astonishingly decided that the arguments of the right wing parties were more compelling than the arguments of the right wing parties.
Apparently there were people in the UK who identified as left wing, including an entire political party who apparently are the second largest party in the country, but their response to the entire referendum pre-, during and post- referendum has been “Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm….. Blurgle wurgle, fugrle, turgle?”, before bashing their head against a wall whilst dribbling into a cup of tea and feeling guilty about how the tea trade signifies the greatest expansion of British imperialism in the history of the kingdom.
The political right in the small pissy island have been unsurprisingly unabashed in their celebrations of their victory against the political right, saying “NER NER! I told you we’d win no matter how the vote went!”
The entire populous has been said to feel both ecstatic and entirely betrayed across the board. I mean, every single person we spoke to said that they were both ecstatic and felt betrayed.
We tried to get a member of parliament from any political party to comment on the referendum, but the best we could find at 8am was a drunken old man collapsed outside the houses of parliament, who was both singing “Rule Britannia” whilst simultaneously crying into a pint of Stella Artois that they said “will probably cost even more from now on, but at least it won’t be subject to those fucking EU rules that it’s going to be subjected to anyway!”
We’re unable to confirm which party they belonged to, but it looks like it doesn’t really matter any way.
We also tried to get someone from the political left in the UK to comment, but they were surprisingly nowhere to be found.
I mean, literally – we kept asking people if they were left wing, and they kept showing us their middle finger.
We have no idea what to make of this. At all.