Losing a loved one
I recently lost a companion who defined my life.
It happened very suddenly and in a very traumatic way.
Every loss is different, because every relationship is different, but I thought I’d start a blog about dealing with both my loss and the trauma it involved – both to help me deal with it and to help others dealing with something similar.
The blog will start with my first day back at work.
It could have started with the day my love died next to me, but then it could have started with the day we first met.
On neither occasion was I ever in the mind to start this blog, but I thought I’d start this blog talking about the day that I started it.
I’ll always be going back to everything from the day we met to the day she died and beyond – and trying to pretend there is anything linear about the lives we live with our loved ones doesn’t actually fit with how grief works.
Grief is more…. Tralfamadorian.
It makes us paint a landscape where time is just another spatial dimension. And so where we dip into it – or often choose to drown ourselves in it – and even where we choose to begin to talk about it has little to do with chronology in its strictest sense.
We’re reliving the life of the person we lost, and we naturally begin that narrative at the point that we can begin that narrative.
We also naturally don’t dip into the narrative of a lost loved one in any chronological sense. Instead we dip in and out of our lives together, remembering moments of joy and tragedy, in a manner that has little regard with the sequence of events as they happened.
We live, through our grief, those moments in both a sequenced and causal way, but also – and most often – in a completely unsequenced path devoid of causality.
So why should I start this blog at any point other than the day I chose to start this blog? No other moment holds greater merit. No other moment claims proprietary in terms of narrative as I recall our life together. No other moment can be said to be more important to begin with. Because it’s not about grading moments by their importance. It’s about how we build our stories of those we loved throughout our process of grieving their loss.
No matter where I begin this story it probably won’t begin at the beginning, and nor will it continue linearly from there. It will begin where I begin it, and it will flutter around our lives together weaving the tapestry of a life that once made me whole.
So this blog starts at a certain point after my loved one has died. It doesn’t start at her death, nor does it start at her birth. But it will contain both points and everything in between.
Like a Tralfamadorian, both you and I shall experience her life and death and my dealing with the aftermath in a nonlinear way.
I lived with the love of my life, and she has been lost to me. So it goes.