THE DAILY GUANO
The political right wing of the UK wins dramatic vote against the political right wing of the UK
Today, the electorate of the United Kingdom took part in a dramatic vote, favouring the right wing over the right wing.
In an historic referendum, the entire populous of a small shitty island off the coast of Europe decided to reject the arguments of the controlling right wing party, in favour of the arguments of the controlling right wing party.
In a decision that has dumbfounded everyone from pollsters to bookmakers to stock market investors to everyone on the globe, the population of the United Kingdom has astonishingly decided that the arguments of the right wing parties were more compelling than the arguments of the right wing parties.
Apparently there were people in the UK who identified as left wing, including an entire political party who apparently are the second largest party in the country, but their response to the entire referendum pre-, during and post- referendum has been “Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm….. Blurgle wurgle, fugrle, turgle?”, before bashing their head against a wall whilst dribbling into a cup of tea and feeling guilty about how the tea trade signifies the greatest expansion of British imperialism in the history of the kingdom.
The political right in the small pissy island have been unsurprisingly unabashed in their celebrations of their victory against the political right, saying “NER NER! I told you we’d win no matter how the vote went!”
The entire populous has been said to feel both ecstatic and entirely betrayed across the board. I mean, every single person we spoke to said that they were both ecstatic and felt betrayed.
We tried to get a member of parliament from any political party to comment on the referendum, but the best we could find at 8am was a drunken old man collapsed outside the houses of parliament, who was both singing “Rule Britannia” whilst simultaneously crying into a pint of Stella Artois that they said “will probably cost even more from now on, but at least it won’t be subject to those fucking EU rules that it’s going to be subjected to anyway!”
We’re unable to confirm which party they belonged to, but it looks like it doesn’t really matter any way.
We also tried to get someone from the political left in the UK to comment, but they were surprisingly nowhere to be found.
I mean, literally – we kept asking people if they were left wing, and they kept showing us their middle finger.
We have no idea what to make of this. At all.
THE DAILY GUANO
“NOT HAVING CHILDREN IS SELFISH”, SAYS MAN WHO TOOK A VOW NEVER TO HAVE CHILDREN
The entire planet was left agasp in a fit of irony, as Pope Francis – the head of the Catholic church, which requires all its clergy to take a vow of celibacy, and who himself has taken this vow and will never have children – declared that not having children was a selfish act.
In what some members of the Catholic priesthood are calling an “impassioned sermon, right up there with anything the big JC ever said, innit”, the old white man who controls the seat of power of a religion populated by women and men who vow never to have sex, in order to make sure they aren’t distracted from their own quest for personal salvation, stated that people who don’t have children are being self-centered and creating a “depressed society”, as the entire world tried not to hold up a mirror the size of St Peter’s Square whilst pissing themselves.
Then the Pope began listing everything that the priesthood does, says and stands for as “selfish”, without even a hint of irony in his eyes.
Several clergy members had to jump on stage and wrestle the Pope to the floor in a dramatic scene, as he began spouting that acquiring lots of wealth and land, advising people not to follow scientific medical advice, and persecuting people were tearing society apart – and that spending all your time immersed in a cult centered around an imaginary friend who you think you can talk to, was not a substitute for going out and making the world a better place.
He was finally dragged away from the microphone and tranquilized just as he began to state that those caught having sex with children should feel the full force of justice.We tried to get someone from the Vatican to comment, but we ended up getting tranquilized and sold into slavery.
THE DAILY GUANO
HUMAN BODY NOT DESIGNED FOR BREATHING, SAYS MEXICAN CHURCH
Since proclaiming that the human body is not designed for homosexuality, earlier in the week, the Catholic webshite Desde la fe (Latin for “we’re a bunch of scientifically illiterate, out of date, bigoted fuckwits who frankly are past our use by date and should have done the decent thing and stopped stealing oxygen by now”. Wonderful language, Latin – it’s amazing how much can be expressed in such a few words) has declared that the human body is also not designed for breathing.
In an editorial titled, “Fuck me, the cardinal’s really losing his marbles now lads”, the church stated that oxygen has been linked to the aging process and bodily decay, and that this is proof that breathing is damaging to both the individual and society as a whole, urging its adherents to both protest any law that allows people to breathe, as well as abstaining from breathing themselves.
Shortly after this statement, one of Mexico’s leading bishops went live on air to announce that the Catholic church was taking a strong stand against sunlight, declaring the human body is not designed for living on a planet that orbited a massive star radiating trillions of trillions of joules of energy every day, citing the damage caused by sunburn and the extreme risk of cancer.
In what many unenlightened Catholics are calling a “landmark statement”, the bishop stated that all Catholics should go live underground, and urged the Vatican to begin building a “star destroyer” to eradicate the threat to human society once and for all, and told followers to petition their elected representatives to take firm actions against the offending star.
Things have finally escalated this evening, as Cardinal Norberto Rivera declared that the human body was not designed for existing in this universe, since it seems that everything is pretty much out to kill us or do us harm of some form.
He has urged all Catholics to refrain from existing in this universe, and suggested that they should start petitioning the government to stop passing legislation that is designed to make it in any way easier for people to exist in this universe.
We attempted to get hold of a spokesperson from the church to comment on the issue, but everyone was too busy running away and screaming at everything they saw.
THE DAILY GUANO
USE OF HYPERBOLIC LANGUAGE “MURDERING OUR CHILDREN WHILE THEY SLEEP”, SAYS SENIOR GOVERNMENT FIGURE
Today, somebody who does something in the government, that we can report is very important and makes them “senior”, has called out the growing use of hyperbolic language in society and the damaging effects it is clearly having.
Sir Somebody-or-other (who gives a fuck?) said, “It began with children exaggerating in the playground about how strong their parents are, and slowly progressed to fishermen talking about the size of their catch and/or penises. Before long it found its way into our media, with every new film being called ‘the greatest piece of shit you’ll ever see in your life, ever’. Clearly, the use of hyperbolic language has become a pandemic. It is highly contagious. I can’t understate this – it is more contagious than cancer and AIDS. I know that cancer isn’t contagious, and AIDS isn’t contagious but is a syndrome brought about by a virus that itself is contagious, but what we’re basically dealing with here is cancer times AIDS squared, plus Hemorrhoids.”
The senior source went on, “I don’t think it is overdoing it to say that this pandemic is holding a pillow over our children’s mouths whilst they are sleeping, and will bring about the death of civilization as we know it. Something has to be done!”
We tried to get a spokesperson for No 10 to speak to us about the issue, but we were informed that they were too busy working on what is set to be “the greatest motherfucking piece of legislation this motherfucking world has ever seen. Like, seriously, this is like the Civil rights acts meet the Emancipation Declaration, which then all have sex with the Clean Air Act, and splices the offspring with the Representation of the People (Equal Franchise) Act”
We can confirm that the source was talking about a new act to lower the fees paid by people who moor their canal boats, by 20 pence.
THE DAILY GUANO
NIGEL FARAGE BLAMES THE UK’S BIASED LEFT-WING MEDIA FOR NOT ANNOUNCING HIS PARTY’S STUNNING ELECTION VICTORY
As polls came in thick and fast last night, showing a landslide victory for everyone who wasn’t a UKIP candidate, Nigel
Far Right Farage laid into the entire media industry of the UK for it’s blatant left-wing bias in not pronouncing him the next Prime Minister of the United Kingdom.
After being laughed out of the counting hall, Mr
Fat Rage Farage was seen mumbling to himself, shouting “Commie scum!” at anyone with a camera, and occasionally screaming at a passing cat.
Gathering his supporters in a nearby hotel, Mr
Fartage Farage finally came out to speak to reporters, saying “I just can’t f***ing believe you lot! I’ve clearly won this election, and yet you keep spreading your left wing lies to the British people. You must all be immigrants.”
When asked why the election results clearly showed that the vast majority of people in the UK didn’t even vote for Mr
Fistage Farage’s mob of brown shirts and racist simpletons political party, he said, “Well of course you’d tell people we didn’t win the election, because you hate white people and love immigrants coming over here and having sex with your jobs!”
Unable to accept the fact that he clearly didn’t win the election, and adamant that he had been elected into the country’s highest high office, he continued, “It’s all this left-wing, hippie bias in the BBC. I’m your f***ing Prime Minister, you simpering ingrates! ME! Worship me! Get on your knees and bow to your fuehrer!”
After which he began spasming wildly and foaming at the mouth, and had to be restrained from trying to bite an old lady walking past in the street.
We asked people in South Thanet and across the country why they didn’t vote for UKIP, and every single one of them said they couldn’t vote for someone who looked like they’d been kicked out of the muppets for inciting racial hatred.
We tried to contact a spokesperson for UKIP to comment on the result and Mr
Garbage Farage’s mental state, but they all just started goosestepping and throwing Nazi salutes everywhere.
THE DAILY GUANO
CRUZ, T THE CLOWN TO RUN FOR PRESIDENT OF THE USA
The political landscape of the USA has been set ablaze by the recent reports that Senator Cruz, T the Clown has announced their intention to run for the Republican presidential nomination for the 2016 election.
Coming on stage to a packed auditorium, Cruz, T spoke to the gathered audience, whose mental age averaged around 5, saying, “Hey, Hey, Kids! It’s your old pal Cruz, T!”
He then went on to make an incoherent speech that mostly consisted of him falling about the stage, saying, “Hoohoohaha!” and coughing a lot.
The crowd were as predictably impressed as a 3 year old watching Teletubbies. One audience member after the speech said “I like how the green crayons taste best.”
Another attendee, when asked about Cruz, T’s inability to form a single coherent sentence in his speech, responded, “I have to go peepee now…. too late.”
Senator Cruz, T recently took the position of head of the Select Committee on Ignoring Science. In his first week, he changed its name from the Select Committee on how AWESOME the US is at science – a move that allowed him to gain a lot of support amongst the Republican party.
One congressman said, “It’s about time we told science where to go – after all, what has it ever done for us?”
Speaking recently on the role of the Us space agency, Cruz, T said “We shouldn’t be spending money on satellites that tell us about useless things like what the weather is doing and getting a better understanding of our planet, and instead should be spending it on trying to put a man on the Sun!”
We tried to get a comment from anyone in the White House about Cruz, T the Clown’s presidential prospects, but for some reason nobody could stop laughing long enough to talk to us.
THE DAILY GUANO
46% OF AMERICANS BELIEVE THAT THE EARTH IS A CONSPIRACY
A recent poll by Anderssonanderssonsanderssonandersson & son has discovered that around 46% of US citizens believe that the Earth is a lie, and its existence is part of a global conspiracy designed to make people pay taxes to a communist gay Jewish secret society.
One participant on the poll said, “I just don’t believe that the Earth exists. Nobody has ever given me any evidence for it. Every photo taken on Earth is obviously fake and Photoshopped. It’s a NASA conspiracy to make everyone gay.”
Another person argued, “If the Earth existed, then why can’t I see it through my telescope?”
Yet another stated, “If you take the number of letters in the word “Earth”, multiply it by the number of degrees in a circle, divide it by the number of letters in the word “gay”, add the number of letters in “NASA” multiplied by the number of letters in the word “tax” multiplied by the number of letters in the word “world”, and then add the number of letters in the word “Jewish”, you get 666. Is that a coincidence? I don’t think so!”
Republican presidential hopeful, Ted Cruz, responded to the recent poll saying, “I think it’s important that we teach both sides of the argument in our schools. I just don’t think the evidence is in yet, and it’s important that we foster debate on the subject.”
In response to Ted Cruz’s statement, a senior source at NASA instantly swallowed a lethal dose of sleeping pills declaring that they didn’t want to live on this planet anymore, and couldn’t understand why anyone would think Senator Cruz could be trusted to tie his shoe laces without strangling himself to death, let alone preside over the Select Committee overseeing the world’s premiere space agency.
Speaking about why so many people have a problem with reality, leading cognitive scientist, Stephan Lewandowsky, said, “What can I say? Some people are just complete morons.”
When asked to comment on the recent poll, a spokesperson for the White House had a heart attack and collapsed, screaming “I just can’t work with these idiots anymore!”
THE DAILY GUANO
POPE ADMITS TO HAVE BEEN “FAKING MASS” FOR YEARS!
Pope Francis has recently admitted, in an interview with Hello! magazine, that for the past 16 years he has been “faking mass”.
“To be honest,” said the Pope, in the stark interview, “the excitement had gone from the relationship a long time ago, and I found myself just going through the paces. It’s not that I don’t love the congregation. They were doing their best, and I didn’t want to disappoint them, but it was the only way I could bring the whole lackluster affair to a conclusion most of the time.”
The Lord’s representative on Earth went on to say, “There were many reasons why I would fake it, though. Sometimes it was because I was tired and I just wanted it to be over. Other times I’d been at the communion wine before hand, and would just get lost in the moment and the theatrics. Most of the time though, I really liked them and didn’t want them to feel like they were doing anything wrong, so I would just fake it to make them happy.”
The Pope further defended his actions, stating, “I’m on old man. I couldn’t be expected to perform every time the congregation needed their fix. After a while, it became habit. But, quite frankly, I’m amazed I even have the energy to fake it. And I’ll bet the congregation wouldn’t be able to tell the difference anyway.”
The latest news has sent shock waves through the Catholic church, with many congregations asking themselves if their priest has been faking it all this time as well.
A spokesperson for the Vatican flipped me the bird when I asked them to comment on the matter.
Have you had liturgical problems with your religious leaders? Look out next week for 10 ways to spot if your priest is faking mass….