Use of Hyperbolic language “murdering our children while they sleep”, says senior government figure

THE DAILY GUANO

USE OF HYPERBOLIC LANGUAGE “MURDERING OUR CHILDREN WHILE THEY SLEEP”, SAYS SENIOR GOVERNMENT FIGURE

Today, somebody who does something in the government, that we can report is very important and makes them “senior”, has called out the growing use of hyperbolic language in society and the damaging effects it is clearly having.

Sir Somebody-or-other (who gives a fuck?) said, “It began with children exaggerating in the playground about how strong their parents are, and slowly progressed to fishermen talking about the size of their catch and/or penises. Before long it found its way into our media, with every new film being called ‘the greatest piece of shit you’ll ever see in your life, ever’. Clearly, the use of hyperbolic language has become a pandemic. It is highly contagious. I can’t understate this – it is more contagious than cancer and AIDS. I know that cancer isn’t contagious, and AIDS isn’t contagious but is a syndrome brought about by a virus that itself is contagious, but what we’re basically dealing with here is cancer times AIDS squared, plus Hemorrhoids.”

The senior source went on, “I don’t think it is overdoing it to say that this pandemic is holding a pillow over our children’s mouths whilst they are sleeping, and will bring about the death of civilization as we know it. Something has to be done!”

We tried to get a spokesperson for No 10 to speak to us about the issue, but we were informed that they were too busy working on what is set to be “the greatest motherfucking piece of legislation this motherfucking world has ever seen. Like, seriously, this is like the Civil rights acts meet the Emancipation Declaration, which then all have sex with the Clean Air Act, and splices the offspring with the Representation of the People (Equal Franchise) Act”

We can confirm that the source was talking about a new act to lower the fees paid by people who moor their canal boats, by 20 pence.